In The Mag

BUILDING INTIMACY WITHOUT INTERCOURSE.

The word intimacy could mean a lot of things to so many people, depending on what angle you look at intimacy from. Intimacy can be said to be a close familiarity or friendship between two or more people. For instance; you hear people say, my intimate friend or the relationship between a couple, in other words, the bond between a friend,  couple, parents to children e.t.c. It could also mean a: cosy and private or relaxed atmosphere. For instance; the bathroom had peaceful sense of intimacy… here, imagine a bathtub filled with water, roses, candles around and a bottle of wine this could be used to soothe the body while having a spa.

Also it could be said to be sexual intercourse; sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, and this is also called love making. For instance: an individual in a relationship says to his partner why don’t you want to be intimate with me? Instead of why don’t you want to make love..

Using my first illustration of intimacy which is bond and my third illustration intercourse in other words sex, love making.

We’ll be discussing this topic from two different angle

1. Dating/ Courting

2. Marriage.

Dating/ courting

Dating is a stage where two people with mutual under-standing get to start a relationship to know themselves better which may necessarily not end up in courtship.

It consist of social activities done by both persons. Ladies and gentlemen who choose to date at the onset often have no commitment to consider marrying the other person. Often times people usually date with the selfish goals of having fun and enjoying romantic attachments alone. Courting in simple word means readiness for marriage, this is a period where you discuss on what you want to take place in your marriage. A period where you discuss your goals/ dreams.

If, during the courtship, one or both parties realize that their marriage is not God’s will and they end the relation-ship, the courtship has not failed. On the contrary, the courtship was successful, because God gave the direction that was sought through it. The period of dating/ courting is a period where intercourse is often seen as unavoidable because of our hormones. (*our hormones can be controlled) When you do the wrong thing at the right time, and the right thing at the wrong time you realize you’ve lost a purpose/ priority.

A period of intimacy that’s either dating/ courting, isn’t suppose to be a period of intercourse!

It’s a period to know the partner better, a period to pray together, build a solid foundation and involve the orchestrator of life.

Look for clarity more than intimacy.

The greatest danger of dating is giving parts of our hearts and lives to someone to whom we’re not married. It is a significant risk, many men and women have deep and lasting wounds from relation-ships because a couple enjoyed emotional or physical closeness without a lasting, durable commitment. Cheap intimacy feels real for the moment, but you get what you pay for. While the great prize in marriage is Christ-centered intimacy, the great prize in dating is Christ-centered clarity. Intimacy is safest in the context of marriage, and marriage is safest in the context of clarity. The purpose of our dating is determining whether the two of us should get married, so we should focus our effort there. Where there are rules or boundaries, there will be sanity. Boundaries protect, and boundaries provide the trenches of trust-building.

While dating, please note the following:

1. Spend time talking. It should be a time of open-ness not, “oh let things just be”.    Talk, so you both know your limits.

2. As a woman, choose a man with a vision on a mission. Ensure you discuss his ‘vision’ and ask yourself properly if you can submit to his ”vision”. The Bible says wife submit to your husband. So check that the vision is one that you can submit to.

3. A man /woman who doesn’t have a roadmap for his/her future, isn’t set for marriage!

4. It’s a time for interview and, not intercourse.

5. Visit places together, take note of your partner’s attitude towards so things.

6. Is he/ she a believer? Take note of his/her spirituality.

7. Spend time praying.

Truth is there is no such much difference/fun when you’ve been sleeping with a person before marriage, it later seem to be normal/ usual (no difference)

So many people say it’s not possible to date without sex. I tell you today it’s possible if you are determined, focused, running with a vision and if you involved the Holy Spirit. Yes, I was once there, it was a bit difficult but I scaled through and glad I did. Am blessed with children today. Sex doesn’t and won’t guarantee marriage.

For those in marriage who have decided not to have intercourse due to specific reasons: women’s period, illness and so on can do the following to during this period:

Intimacy Without Intercourse

1. Touch each other. Too often, we stop touching each other unless we want sex. …

2. Hold hands. Have you ever seen an older couple walking and holding hands?

3. Pretend you’re a new couple.

5. Have “outercourse.” Foreplay till you reach to orgasm. Explore other forms of stimulation. “Outercourse” is any form of sensual and sexual activity that does not involve the exchange of body fluids.

6. Explore intimacy beyond sexuality.

7. Keep talking, gisting brings a lot to the heart.

HOW LONG SHOULD I DATE BEFORE I MARRY

There isn’t any specific time, it’s not really the period of dating that sustains a marriage for the sake of the question we’ll say even 6 month to a year will do. Lastly, everyone wants marriage to be blissful. You meet someone, get close, fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. While that sounds nice, the truth is that a happy and healthy marriage can only happen when both the husband and the wife give effort to make it happen.

Marriage works when both party are INTENTIONAL So also does a relationship work.

How to know he/she is the right person:

Check out for the following:

* Seek God

* Check if he/ she has a vision

* Does he have a future though that vision you see?

* Is he/she a good listener?

* Does he/she have a forgiving heart?

* can you work with his/her temperament?

* His/she a believer?

* As a woman, can you work under the GOVERNMENT of that man/ guy in MARRIAGE.

The Bible says do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. Don’t get the Bible passage wrong. If you’re a Muslim in the house walk in line with a believer in faith.

I think it’s possible, not feasible for everyone though. We all love and remain in marriage for different reasons. In this context, the couple must have gotten other solutions for intimacy which isn’t intercourse. The main thing is jointly working on what brings you to orgasms, you might feel it’s not the same with sex in terms of penetration but truth is; it’s what you believe in that works for you! So many things could be done instead of intercourse in marriage if there is a “mutual understand-ing and agreement”:

At the beginning it might seem difficult but with time the couple get use to the fact that’s all they can get, if they want to remain together.

There is more to marriage than sex. Especially in health situations.

Lbelle Paris

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